Blue Caravan

nearing 'the end'

jyrraeth — Mon, 15 Apr 2013 19:24:43 -0400

On the 26th I’ll be completely done university. I’m unlikely to go back for any sort of graduate degree (only continued education, if anything) but it’s still …. weird. Mostly because I didn’t take a break in-between schooling (not even internship, haha, would’ve ended yet another year later) and I’m a little bit nervous about leaving my comfort zone. I’m not going to miss university, but I don’t regret going.

I’m nervous about starting work. Not so much about the work itself, but about a variety of things surrounding it. Mostly social. Also schedule, because I’ll have to give up my cosy sleeping-in schedule. But, that’s only annoying, not really scary in any way.

I’m glad that everything is kind of falling into place in the right points in time. I found a good mix of medication to treat my depression with little/no side effects. I finished up therapy with a very good therapist, who was also finishing up her training at the centre and ended her time on the same day I’ll be doing my final, final exam. I have a job lined up and it pays well. It’s not perfectly idea for many reasons, but the company is good and I don’t have to stay forever and ever. I have my iron ring (that I keep forgetting to wear) and some businessy clothing. I have two weeks off before work starts, and I have enough cash saved up for groceries and rent before I get my first paycheque. I have a TFSA so I can save up for a car. I don’t know why I feel unprepared.

idk just musing

Yayay getting better at eating enough in a day + not having to gobble up emergency almonds + not...

jyrraeth — Mon, 04 Mar 2013 13:31:27 -0500

Yayay getting better at eating enough in a day + not having to gobble up emergency almonds + not eating all of my food in one meal in the evening. Whoo.

Still not consistent, but I’m feeling much better now.

I’m going to start to log my food/eating habits because I really can’t trust myself to...

jyrraeth — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 16:31:00 -0500

I’m going to start to log my food/eating habits because I really can’t trust myself to eat enough right now and I need to retrain myself on how to eat. I’m debating on whether or not I should put it here, or on my Dreamwidth or what. Regardless I’m not going to be putting it into fitbit right away because I need to get accustomed to measuring + I hate fucking around finding items (and I dislike Livestrong). ~~So far I’ll do it here, and I can tag it if it bothers anyone following. I just don’t want it to be searchable.~~

Going to do it on dreamwidth for now. It’ll be public and I’ll allow Anon unless I get too much shit.

Today:
- Attempt at eating steel cut oats, probably about two spoonfuls
- Two XL eggs + seasoning
- Large handful of almonds (I’d guess somewhere between 100-200g)
- Two large cups of coffee, Black (bad idea, shaky)

I’m going to go make some steak now. Still shaky and weak feeling. :(

I’m finding it so difficult to choke down enough food in a day. Not because of diet/body...

jyrraeth — Tue, 26 Feb 2013 15:53:03 -0500

I’m finding it so difficult to choke down enough food in a day. Not because of diet/body reasons, but because I got used to not having an appetite that now I’m finding it hard to plan for… eating enough. And actually being hungry.

Fuck you depression.

I need cooking elves. Or some hamburger helper, haha. At least I’m going grocery shopping today. At least I’m doing okay keeping up on cleaning.

Keep on keeping on.

I feel so awkward/awful in my own body.

jyrraeth — Tue, 29 Jan 2013 16:45:27 -0500

I feel so awkward/awful in my own body.

Airplanes v. 2.0

jyrraeth — Fri, 04 Jan 2013 19:38:00 -0500

jyrraeth:

Finished Exams and now I’m packed and ready to go fly a stupid amount of time.

I think it’s 12 hours but I don’t really care how many hours it is if its over 6. Its over 6 by a lot.

Anyways, that means I’m going to be scarce on the internet until at least 3~4pm Newfoundland time with a similar story when I fly back. Whenever that is.

As well I’m going to be a rural area, so for anyone who has my cell number I’m only going to have spotty reception and will only check my texts every so often. While I’m there I’ll have internets, so that’ll be fine.

Bye for now and I’ll probably be checking tumblr in Toronto and Halifax, so yeah. :|b

Okay I’m back in Calgs now.

God the flight back sucked.

The first leg from Deer Lake to Halifax was fine, saw a kitty too. Wholly uneventful, weather in both places was fine. The second leg, Halifax -> Calgary (stopover in Ottawa) was … not good. Plane was late, not by much, only had to wait about 45 mins. The worst was when we were waiting in Ottawa*, when the toilets ‘crapped’ out. Waited about an hour before they told us, then another two before they were fixed. Since it was Air Canada it was kind of a cluster fuck, but considering that I didn’t go onto Fort Mac or Edmonton from there, I was only so annoyed. Plus I know better than to bitch at Flight Attendants about things outside of their control. :v

* there are a lot of w’s in that phrase lol

To add to it, the bridge that got us off of the plane broke, too. It didn’t take too long to fix, but it was still very annoying. The pilot came on the intercom and said that “Its a lousy end to a lousy flight” in a very tired voice.

Though I’m home now and I am not going to get into another moving vehicle until tomorrow.

Newfoundland was fun. Pictures forthcoming. Too lazy to say much, though.

So I might not fail all of my courses. Narrowly. For reference, my highest midterm score this term...

jyrraeth — Tue, 27 Nov 2012 00:28:00 -0500

So I might not fail all of my courses. Narrowly.

For reference, my highest midterm score this term is 48%. orz

(I also forgot the formula sheet that I was allowed on that one)

I’m still bummed, but at least I’ll be able to manage my time to do the important things. If I fail the midterm tomorrow (likely) I’ll still be able to narrowly pass.

Kind of sad that I’m looking forward to C-’s.

Ahahaha I really hope employers don’t want to see my university transcripts. B+~A- student up until the last couple years and C-s everywhere.

fuck it.

EDIT: I’m sitting at about the same grade in each course, which means something I think??

long time no text post

jyrraeth — Tue, 20 Nov 2012 21:54:50 -0500

aeghglhlhh.

I’m worried about school. I’m worried that I’m going to fail. I’m worried that I won’t be able to graduate this year, and since the courses that I’d need to take aren’t offered in the summer. I’m afraid I’m going to miss graduating by one class.

I do have contingency plans. I only need 5 classes to graduate, even though I’d really not like to fail all three courses and have to do them next semester. It just sounds like a recipe for 5 Fs instead. I could take another year (even though I really, really, don’t want to) and so on. I know I have options—but just thinking of taking another year of school, or stressing myself out on a course load larger than 3—is just stressful in itself.

I probably need to get my meds adjusted (or get an adjunct) but two things I’m worrrrrrrrrrrrried about are: will I react poorly to them, thus making shit harder to cope with or is it just stress and I can’t tell the difference any more. My sleep schedule and motivations are all fucked up and I honestly can’t give an unbiased viewpoint.

I just want to wake up one morning feeling just okay.

I’m too afraid to go and calculate my grades to see how fucked I am. I know I’m doing pretty poorly (13/20 was my highest mark out of the midterms I’ve done so far) but just being able to put a number to how shitty things are is probably going to make me cry more.

My actions don’t really align with what I actually want. There’s this stupid block that I can’t get past.

As much as I’ve tried to distance myself from “my grades = my worth” it still really stings to see a 23% on a thing. Even if it’s worth 1% of the total, it still stings.

I’m going to go have my steak and have a bath.

so i guess this school year isn’t going as well as i had hoped fuck

jyrraeth — Tue, 09 Oct 2012 20:23:32 -0400

so i guess this school year isn’t going as well as i had hoped

fuck

OCs

jyrraeth — Wed, 03 Oct 2012 20:04:18 -0400

aaaaah I’m just going to say that I finally got a start on the visual character design on one of my OCs. aaaaah it was driving me nuts before because she didn’t really have a look… aside from some vague descriptions (slippery black hair, tall and lanky, slouchy) and now I got somewhere to jump off of yaaay

Its still got a way to morph, though. I just love bomber jackets.

Aughn under a read more so that I don’t get too embarrassed by myself. Feeling kind of poopy...

jyrraeth — Tue, 04 Sep 2012 19:33:52 -0400

Aughn under a read more so that I don’t get too embarrassed by myself.

Feeling kind of poopy about myself today for no apparent reason. Probably just need to get out and about, probably a bike ride, but still aughkjsdf. Just feel dumb.

Though maybe I should just write down a bunch of all my worries and maybe that’ll help?????

Today I’ve been kind of worrying about health/weight/etc. I’m still kind of in the cooking equivalent of writer’s block, except that I still have to eat every day. I’ve been wasting a lot of money on convenience food and eating a lot of crap. I wonder if there’s any “10 day challenges” for cooking that are friendly to my dietary choices.

I sum up my ideal eating as “lazy paleo” (with a focus on low starch) but it’s kind of hard to really delineate what I mean by that. I don’t really like associating myself with a group, and then I think “Paleo” is kind of a dumb way of going about it. I’ve joked with my dad about his “Caveman Diet” and how he’s not allowed to eat broccoli or anything of that nature because the earliest humans only had the wild mustard plant. Ignoring where it might actually grow. Plus I don’t hunt my own food, I can only grow a very bare-bones garden (if I wanted to, I’m a lazy gardener) and if I buy local/organic/etc I get to eat carrots, onions and potatoes for 8 months out of the year. Blah. Though at least in Canada, abuse of food is less prevalent than in the states. A lot less sugary cereals + HFCS.

And then people think that I’m slowly killing myself for not eating high carb foods (bread, pasta, etc). Aaaaargh. Or I’m killing myself because I eat red meat, or that I even have lard in my fridge. (Lard is amazing, it got such a bad rep for being an animal fat)

But yeah, I really don’t like getting angry about things. Especially other’s food choices (I really don’t give a rat’s ass if someone eats veg*n unless they’re a dinner party guest then it’s just a fun challenge to make everyone happy) and I wish other people wouldn’t get angry either but that’s the same as wishing for world peace FOREVER.

Yeah idk. But I’m listing the things I eat just for self-reference: Meats (Poultry, Beef, Pork, occasional seafood), Leafy Green Veggies (Spinach, Most of Genus Brassica, Kale, Bok Choy, eg), Colourful Veggies (Sweet Potatoes, Bell Peppers, Beets, Squash, eg), Fruits/Berries (APPLES, bananas, Strawberries, no oranges, no pinapple {allergic}), Nuts (Almonds, Peanuts, Cashews, eg), Dairy (eggs, why are eggs considered dairy?, milk, cheeses. I try to minimize dairy). Grains/starches are treats (Potatoes, Pasta, Bread, Baked goods in general) but I make an exception for oatmeal because it’s one of my favourite breakfasts.

I’m bad at eating fruit, though. I always forget about fruit. Except apples because they last FOREVER. I also fucking love apples so… yeah. Berries don’t last so I end up only eating a half pound before having to throw them out. :(

But yeah stuff. I keep forgetting to eat because I’m idk. It sucks. Then I gorge after not eating anything all day and the whoops I feel like crap time to go play video games and hate myself. Though I keep trying to log food in fitbit to remind myself to eat.

Balrkljghlksdfsd I’m pretty unhappy with my body right now, though I am much better at appreciating it then I was 5~6 years ago. I can actually make myself believe that it’s not my fault that clothes don’t fit me well. Its not my fault that I have to put in a lot of energy to find a good bra. Its not my fault that I don’t look good in certain styles—however dominant they happen to be when I go to the mall. I don’t have to wear shitty clothing just because I intend to lose weight. I deserve to look good (and comfortable) in my clothing.

I’ve been kind of hesitant to go to the gym the last little while. I had a bad experience with a trainer (though not really anyone’s fault) and idk it’s just set me up to feeling anxious in the gym in case she happens to be around. :(

I don’t remember the meeting/consultation thing all that well, but it made me really uncomfortable. She’s a really strong personality (ex-police officer) and it really doesn’t work with mine. Plus she assumed a lot about my habits, and didn’t really ask many questions about how I like to do things. Also I’m not a touchy-feely group hug kind of person—even in my best moods. She reminded me a lot of one of my asshole gym teachers from HS, though I doubt she’d be as bad as her.

She didn’t even ask why I hated the things that I did. Like with things that require a lot of bouncing it’s because I feel really exposed because of boobs/other jiggle. That’s why I hate it. Not just because I’m some picky asshole that reads dumb advice on the internet.

Argh. I had a panic attack in the gym afterwards, it unsettled me that much. :(

Which sucks because now I have to work on getting myself back in there. Silly Self-Esteem.

Though this post is helping me feel better about things that have been bothering me. I’ll leave school/work/people worries until later, though.

goals goals goals

jyrraeth — Mon, 27 Aug 2012 22:16:05 -0400

bup bup bup

should probably organize some goals, now that I’m in a mental state where I can actually be productive. but I’m lazy. alas.

Probably will do a word document, but if I don’t put it somewhere in my online stuff I will forget about it really quickly.

idek

but yeah, I also have a fitocracy profile that I’ve rediscovered. I’ll be logging my workouts there for now, and food on fitbit (if I remember). Focusing more on exercise, though food is the more important part of weight loss (a goal).

now if only I didn’t have doms in my quads today

Pork/Leek/Lemon Meatballs

jyrraeth — Sat, 25 Aug 2012 22:43:22 -0400

Made some super yummy stuff tonight:

1/2 lb of lean ground pork
1 Extra Large Egg
Several Sprigs of fresh thyme
12 or so leaves of tarragon
lemon zest
1 leek
some barley flour (just happened to be that)

Sautee Leek in olive oil (or butter), until it smells amazing. While that’s going on put everything else in a bowl, except for barley flour. Once Leeks are floppy, throw them in the bowl, mix. Add flour until they’re pretty firm and roll them out. fry in a pan with oil of choice, until done. Devour.

They ended up kind of plain, aside from pork+leek, so I’d want to throw the Thyme/Tarragon in with the leeks in the end, and then puree the greens before mixing it with the meat. Also to steam them after browning them, they were a little crumbly.

Though very tasty. I served them with just honey mustard, but a mustard cream sauce would’ve been AMAZING.

yes food yums

Aaaaaaaaag life Got my ‘new’ bike from my dad Now all I need to do is get in shape...

jyrraeth — Fri, 24 Aug 2012 18:45:07 -0400

Aaaaaaaaag life

Got my ‘new’ bike from my dad
Now all I need to do is get in shape enough to go to school/grocery store/mall
Got a membership to a gym that’s pretty rad
Need to remember to stretch my calves so I can do squats
Got a mani/pedi and my eyebrows waxed with my mom
Found out about The Void (game) from my brother. Basically Art: The Game.
saw a kitty in my neighbourhood (yes)
keep forgetting to log my foods in fitbit noooooo (also been eating terribly because of that lawl)

Should probably type this out so I don’t forget to do these things. Just kind of babbling...

jyrraeth — Mon, 06 Aug 2012 23:56:45 -0400

Should probably type this out so I don’t forget to do these things. Just kind of babbling here.

Calf stretching hhhhhnnngggg
Weights — check out gym
Yoga
find out if rain dances work
go to CT to get odds and ends (can opener, um other junk make a list irl)
read things
write
draw
get bike from dad
get helmet

yop

Ughnnhnhnh so uninspired with food lately. I generally have enough skill to throw together a bunch...

jyrraeth — Wed, 01 Aug 2012 21:51:01 -0400

Ughnnhnhnh so uninspired with food lately. I generally have enough skill to throw together a bunch of things with my ad hoc approach to groceries. But I’m just getting… bored?

Also I get really annoyed at some food blogs regarding low-carb stuff. Some people froth at the mouth against low-carb stuff, and then there’s the crazy low-carbers who eat bacon with everything. (Oh and I can’t stand ‘replacement’ foods, like low-carb bread)

There’s an in between but I want something with the variety that The Kitchn has, which so far is the only food blog I really follow.

(I guess I could get an rss aggregator going but I want it to look decent.)

Blah. I guess I’ll cook that duck soonish so that I can get something different going.

Less sad more tv post

jyrraeth — Wed, 01 Aug 2012 01:46:43 -0400

So I’ve been thinking that I should get around to watching some TV shows and junk… though I’m going to avoid the crazy clusterfuck that is Dr. Who (sry) because I just… it’s just … too much. ;~;

Though I’m including anime series in the list too. Just episodic-thingies = TV. yes.

So:

Gravity Falls
Adventure Time
Teen Wolf ??
Avatar: The Last Airbender
Pushing Daisies???
Some HBO stuff????
Utena
Neon Genesis Evangelion (mostly so I can say I watched it, and to see if I still like Ritsuka and Misato)
Some other stuff I should add to the list?

I should probably pop this into a … format that I’ll remember to look up. B)

I also should spread things out, so that I don’t get burned out or marathon an entire series in a day. Whee.

Also working on finishing vidya gaems that I own. B)

B)!

also I got my hair cut visit my twitter :o

Ramble ramble ramble

jyrraeth — Wed, 20 Jun 2012 15:05:08 -0400

Decided to open up a text post on tumblr because I was rambling forever on a facebook message to my cousin. She’s almost at one of her goals (95/100lbs down from something like 280lbs at 5’2”) and quite inspiring. She tells people about her stumbles, so its a lot easier for me to relate. Plus I know her personally, and I can ask her a bunch of dumb questions.

Kind of coincided with my desire to get a bike/go to yoga regularly again. I’m feeling a lot better overall and want to take advantage of it while I can. Plus I recently got my loan extended so that I can actually afford things (rent, food, etc). Argh. Fat. Etc.

Though as much as I’m feeling blah about my weight, I’m feeling okay otherwise. Though I’m not looking forward to my last semester at school. Aargh. I could probably ramble on for a whole hour about that. I started picking out courses that I might want to take and I’m glad that a lot of the people I never want to see again are done. That’s a huge load of stress off. Maybe I’ll be able to not be a hermit/recluse and avoid classes/classmates like crazy this year now that I have less to worry about.

Meds are meds. I’m taking prozac to get off of effexor and I haven’t had an issue with discontinuation and I’ve been off of effexor for… almost a week now? 5 days? Not sure. Can’t remember because I didn’t bother writing it down. So glad. Maybe I’ll finally be able to move up to a higher dose of Wellbutrin, too.

I withdrew from my spring/summer courses. I’m just so sick of school and being on campus, it’s not even funny. If anyone asks me if I want to go get a Master’s I’ll probably laugh/cry. Though I enjoy learning, I just… don’t know. I think I’m burnt out. I should try and keep a schedule + things to do… but of course that’s easier said than done. Probably can split it between exercise, creative pursuits, learning things, cleaning things and bumming around on the internet. With priority placed higher for things earlier on that list. Blah. So bad at convincing myself to do those sort of things, but I guess I’ll get there eventually

takka takka takka typing stuff

jyrraeth — Mon, 28 May 2012 00:55:46 -0400

Had some shitty last few days. Feeling a bit better after this weekend. Still avoiding shit, but at least I’m feeling okay.

IDK.

I feel like typing up something, but I don’t know what? I feel pretty blank right now, and have been on and off for a while now.

Finally getting on top of acne. I broke out because of stress and it’s been taking its sweet time to go away. It’d going down, but I still hate looking at myself in the mirror. Baby steps. If I’m not wearing my glasses its not as bad.

Kind of hoping that it warms up soon, not because I like the heat, but because the only pair of jeans I have that still fit are ugly and I hate wearing them. The skirts/dresses that fit are nice, at least. Frustrating not being able to fit into 80% of my clothing. It’s hard not to let it get to me when I try and find something nice to wear and I can’t even button up most of my jeans.

Blah. Longer-term the things I can do are clear: Eat the right amount, exercise, drink water. Short-term is harder, but I got some advice from one of my cousins who’s been dealing with disordered eating and body image issues her whole life. She was pretty helpful, because her biggest thing was stress eating. I kind of do that too. You have to do something else to replace the stress eating/snacking, instead of simply doing nothing otherwise I go crazy. She suggested some small things I can do (big cup of tea, bath, exercise, small gift for myself, open up to friends) which was refreshing.

Still haven’t gotten off of Effexor. I wish I could just power through the discontinuation, but since I’m not exactly in the best mental state to begin with its hard. Frustrating.

Though I’ve been able to concentrate on video games, which is a plus! While it’s difficult to concentrate on anything else, there’s at least something I can do.

um idk what else

wanna buy everything at ikea

feel awful about myself. want to rip the skin off my face.* etc. i don’t know what to do *...

jyrraeth — Sun, 20 May 2012 17:45:00 -0400

feel awful about myself. want to rip the skin off my face.* etc.

i don’t know what to do

* figuratively